Disney’s… Waterworld?

I didn’t make the connection until I saw a poster in the MTR that suspiciously seemed to hint at an interesting piece of inspiration that blew my mind.  Read the full story.

ok, I admit, it didn’t blow my mind, but it did make me go “hmmm.”  Is it just me or does this poster make Moana look like an animated remake of the Kevin Costner movie Waterworld?

Disney’s Moana

I saw this ad in the MTR today and between the trimaran looking canoe, the big hero guy and girl with grit buddy combo, and the floating city of dudes chasing them across the ocean int he background, it totally made me think of that Kevin Costner film that many remember as being his biggest box office bomb.  In recent years, though, I’ve heard it’s been getting a bit more respect amongst film appreciators.

In either case, compare the above MTR poster to this screenshot from Waterworld.

waterworld-boat-chase
Kevin Costner and Jeanne Tripperhorn looking like they’re realizing they should have signed up for a movie on dry land.

A bit of visual similiarity, wouldn’t you say?  Plus the trailer seems to showcase some story similiarities as well.  From what I gather from the trailer, the plot seems to be:

A woman searches across the vast expanse of seemingly endless water for the key to saving civilization, only to meet a reluctant, but legendary hero who helps her battle an ocean-bound, naval army of maniacs, among other obstacles.

Kind of sounds like the basic plotline of Waterworld (minus the whole fish gills, drinking your own pee, and trying to find the one last island on earth, bits though).

waterworld-creatures-meme

 

So, of course, it’s not a remake, but it would be interesting if there actually was at least some borrowing or inspiration taken from the Kevin Costner classic.  Not unusual to think,  considering that Disney has done this kind of thing before.  Afterall, The Incredibles was pretty much The Fantastic Four meets a James Bond movie.

 

fantasticals
IT’S CLOBBERING… no, wait, I mean, uh.. I guess no cool catchphrase for us.

 

In either case, it looks like a fun ride and another good addition to the Disney Princess movie tradition.  I’ll be sure to check it out, but you can be sure that I’ll be keeping my eyes peeled for some easter eggs.

waterworld-chicken-and-deacon
If there’s no Dennis Hopper style jetski pirate in Moana, I’ll be somewhat disappointed

 

 

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Man Reaches In Between Woman’s Legs for Power Cord, Interrupts Coffee Date

That awkward moment at a coffee shop when someone is sitting right over the power plug and you need to reach under theirs legs to plug in or pull out your cord.

hk_starbucks_coffee_in_caine_road

I was at Starbucks doing a bit of writing and internet cruising on my computer, while enjoying my overpriced cappuccino.  I had my laptop connected to a nearby plug at ground level and had been comfortably hogging it for more than an hour as I, ever so slowly, sipped my tall size coffee.


At long last, I ready to pack up and leave when I realized that, blocking the electrical outlet that held my plug, were now a pair of women’s legs.

I needed to ask her if I could sneak in underneath her legs to get my cord.  Only problem was that the lady was right in the middle of a hot coffee date.  And the guy who she sitting with had her full attention, enthusiastically chatting her up a storm.

I couldn’t understand more than a word or two of what he was saying, as he was talking fast and furious in Cantonese.   I could only assume it was an amazing story though, just by the sheer excitement in how he was telling it, with body language to match.  

Whatever story he was telling, I got the feeling he was determined to impress this lady and believe me, he was succeeding.  She was completely enraptured by this story, whatever it might have been.  

Meanwhile, I was sitting there, waiting for a stopping point of some kind to intercede, but there seemed to be no stopping this guy’s flow.  He was firing off words like James Joyce on amphetamines.  For those unfamiliar with the works of James Joyce, check out this clip from the classic film Back To School from 0:42 onward for a taste of what I mean.

back-to-school-yes-yes

Being that it would be kind of awkward to interrupt this couple during their moment, I decided to stall my plunge downward to retrieve my cord.  I started slowly, but steadily packing up all my things.  As I did, I was hoping that, by the time I had finished wrapping up my odds and ends and shoved them into my backpack, I would finally get my chance at making a congenial interruption, with as little awkwardness as possible.  Unfortunately, I had no such luck…

I sat there with powercord half wrapped in my hands, looking over at them with this “hey, I don’t mean to interrupt” look on my face, patiently waiting for them to notice my eyes burning into their faces, but nope.  They were in another world.  A happier world.  A world without being trapped from taking their powercord from underneath a pair of legs while the nonstop blossoming of true love was taking place above the table.

Eventually, my patience wore thin and I had to take action.

date-interrupted

I tapped on the girl’s shoulder, while the dude was mid-sentence.  Surprise registered on them both instantly as she turned to find this random westerner stealing away this girl’s attention.  Immediately, I was like “hi, excuse me, sorry, but I need to, down there, my cord, the plug, really sorry about that, thanks!”

Realizing what I was asking, the lady moved her legs just enough in order for me squeeze down underneath her.  And so I contorted my body downward to try to take this cord from under her legs as unsuspiciously as possible.

When I rose up, trimphantly, cord in hand, I saw the face of the guy.  His facial expression was brief, but definitive.  No doubt in my mind, this guy was saying to himself “hey, I was the one that was supposed to get in between her legs.”

why-you-cbing-bruh

So I just give him this look back like “geez guy, what you want from me?”  I mean, let’s be real.  I gotta do, what I gotta do.

I didn’t say another word.  I finished packing up and rushed out like a thief in the night, leaving them to awkwardly continue their date.  I could tell that I must have spoiled “the mood”, but I do hope he managed to get back on his game.  I mean you had to give him credit.  He must have had one hell of a story that he was telling.

Still, let this be a lesson to all coffee daters out there.  If you want to make the best impression, before you start telling her the story of the century, or reciting heart melting poetry, be sure to take a second to make sure your girl isn’t sitting on some other guy’s cord first.

Two Old Ladies Arguing in Front of the Men’s Room Nearly Made Me Piss Myself 

Define “Awkward”: two female cleaning ladies having a spirited argument in Cantonese right in front of the men’s bathroom door, completely ignoring my pleas to get past.

Now you might say to yourself, “what’s the big deal?  Just ask them to move out of the way.”

Believe me my friend, I tried, but these ladies were having it out and were not having any of my interruptions.

For those unfamiliar with the sheer power of old Chinese ladies in full out argument mode, check this article from the SCMP out.  

I know that was in Mainland China, not Hong Kong, but those ladies argued for 8 hours straight until they passed out on the street.

The two aunties in front of me didn’t seem to have the same reckless abandon, but in a place where “face” means everything, no one goes down without a spirited verbal fight.

So just to give a little background to my own situation, it was right before the holidays.  I was doing some last minute running around. Extra long lines had me holding it in for a while.  Once checked out and bagged, I ran upstairs to the luxury section of stores.  The bathrooms there tend to be clearer and less lines, but of course more hidden from plain sight.

After finally a bit of maze deciphering, I finally discover the entrance to the bathrooms, only to be confronted by this obstacle; two old Chinese cleaning ladies in a full on argument.  

Using my observational skills and very rough Cantonese, I could only surmise that they must have been arguing about wash clothes, of all topics.  Now they could have been arguing about a man, about politics, or post-brexit economic strategies for all I knew, but they were waving around wash clothes like you wouldn’t believe.

And there I was, arms full of packages and desperate to go through to relieve myself.  I tried saying “excuse me”.  I even tried an “Mm goi!”  I was ready to try in Italian, Spanish, and even throw in a “sacre bleu!” if I thought it would help, but these two ladies didn’t seem ready to hear me in any language.

Plow through them?  Yeah I could have tried that, but two things to keep in mind. 

1. I was using much of my reserve energy to “hold it in” if you know what I mean.  Afterall, I’m too old to get away with the pee pee dance.  So I had to keep my cool and that takes some effort to look like you’re not making effort.
2. If there’s one thing you never want to do, it’s arbitrarily step in the middle of any fight, regardless if it’s about a man or owed money or wash clothes, as this one seemed.  

I later came across this article about strategies and tactics to use when trying to break up a fight.

http://www.wikihow.com/Break-Up-a-Fight-Between-Two-People

Regardless, I had to deal with this situation as best as I could muster.  The next washroom was a long pee pee dance away.

So I calculated how much reserve energy to redirect without wetting myself, fired the vocal thrusters and let out a last chance “Mm Goi Siu je”.

The two ladies heard this time.  They turned to me and looked at me with a combination of “stupid Gwalio” and who are you calling “young lady?”

They parted out of the way and I rushed through into the bathroom, just in the nick of time. So crisis averted and I was soon back on my way to getting ready for the holidays.

I hope all your holidays were as least awkward as possible.  Happy new year everyone!

I Saw a Motivational Meme Posted Online. I Decided to Demotivate It.

Inspirational quotes memes are the new motivational poster, which means they have to be demotivated.

I remember when I was working in a corporate office setting years ago, the big trend was to fill the walls with “motivational posters.”  You probably remember them; a black background framing a stunning, uplifting image of an animal or human doing something above and beyond or against the grain.  There would be a big, positive-sounding word followed by an inspirational quote.  You know, something like this…

achieve-poster

Wow.  These kind of posters are really uplifting the first time you see them.  Look at that guy.  If I only expect high things, I can make high achievements.  For just a moment, you think to yourself, life is good and it can be even better, if I believe!  And maybe it’ll even fuel a bit more pep in your step and productivity in the rest of your workday.

Unfortunately, I found these motivational posters had a sum of diminishing returns effect to them.  The first time you see them, you feel inspired for an hour.  The second time, a few minutes.  Then after a third, fourth, fifth, the pep factor drops rapidly until it’s like no effect.  Eventually, you look at the poster and think to yourself, “wow, what a crock of shit!”

The worst part of it is that these posters would be physically present, hung on the wall, and left there as a constant reminder of how the little the company’s management actually attempts to try to motivate employees.

Trying to seriously discuss employee morale with management would often result in a trite justification of status quo along the lines of “we don’t understand why people would bother leaving our company.  We pay in line with industry standards, so it can’t be about the money.  And everywhere else you go work, you’ll work basically the same hours.  So people should be perfectly satisfied to be working here.  But check out this wonderful motivational poster in my office to learn what it takes to get ahead of the pack.”  
Yeah, thanks for the pep talk, boss.

It was only a matter of time before someone got inspired by the lack of inspiration actually gained from  motivational posters and thus “demotivational posters” were born.

downsizing_grande

Despair, Inc. did a pretty awesome job of cutting those motivational posters down to size.  I got addicted to these demotivators when I was in the corporate environment, because let’s face it, these really spoke to the truth of working in the corporate environment.

Eventually, I stopped seeing the motivational posters as much (I guess they fell out of vogue), but with the explosion of social media, something else seems to have risen up to take their place… the inspirational quotes meme.

You’ll probably see like 10-20 of them a day in your Facebook or Instagram feed.  Friends posting up a little something to bring a little positivity to what has become a daunting social media landscape filled with rage, rants, fake news, and political pugilism.

You can’t blame your friends for posting these, can’t blame yourself for reposting them.  Trying to bring a little inspiration to people is a good thing, right?  And at least these memes come and go out of your life quickly, give you a quick little motivation boost and then disappear.  

The problem is that these insprirational quotes had a sum of diminishing returns thing going as well.  And even worse, I got addicted… like I mean really addicted.

At first I’d get my little boost and go on, but eventually I started feeling myself needing more and more inspiration, especially as I’d see the rest of social media filling up with more negativity.  

I’d wake up, look at my phone, and be like, “ok, Facebook, give me something to inspire me to be great today, inspire me to love what I’m doing with my life, inspire me to get out of bed.  Found one!  Damn it, not inspirational enough!”  

I’d cycle through pages and pages of selfies, food pictures, “look at these damn liberals” posts, “look at these damn conservatives” posts.  I’d be looking for that one perfect thing that would give me the motivation to keep calm and carry on.  But sometimes it would never come. 

I’d be like, come on Internet, give me one more hit, I’ll pay you back next week, I’ll do anything, I’ll suck your….

“WAIT A MINUTE!” I finally thought to myself one day.  What was I doing?  I was falling for that same hollow, motivational poster b.s. that I was able to see through so easily before.  

I got hooked.  Social media turned into the baking powder and glass pipe that, when added to that pure cocaine combo of inspiration quotes and motivational imagines, cooked up crack.  What I’m sure started off as a little diverting fun for many, has slowly turned into an epidemic of searching for hollow positivity. 

Once I realized that, I decided I was going to change for the better.  I cut out searching social media for positive inspiration.  Now I get my motivation from reading a book or a taking a walk to get some fresh air, meeting with friends for coffee, setting realistic goals to accomplish actual things each day.  I’d meme these things, but why be an enabler to others who are struggling through an inspirational quote meme habit?  

 I take my inspirational quote meme intake in moderation. I blocked some sites that were constant streetcorner style inspirational quote dealers.  Plus, I’ve been introduced recently to the concept of “dank memes” recently, basically the meme equivalent of those demotivatiibal posters of back in the day.  Those have been my anti-drug.

So in line with that new thinking, when I came across this meme yesterday.

no-matter-what-the-situation

 I just knew I had to take it down a couple of notches.  

no-matter-what-the-situation-gun-to-head

Jerry Lewis in King of Comedy by Martin Scorcese

Dank AF.

So the next time someone decides to put up a motivational meme up on their timeline, watch out… because it might just get demotivated.

Woman Goes to Car, Realizes She Forgot Something, Goes Back in House to Get… Her Daughter

OK, this was kind of funny.  Kim Kardashian West, walks out of her apartment to a crowd of gathered phototaking reporters, smoothly makes her way to the car, takes off her jacket, looks around and realizes she forgot something in the house.  She then takes her jacket and goes back inside.

kim-forgets-north-west-meme2

What did she forget?  Her keys?  her wallet?  Her phone?  Her daily medication?  Nope.  She comes back out holding her daughter North West in her arms and carries on like before as if nothing happens.  Here’s the video.

 https://www.facebook.com/plugins/video.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fsuperficialrevival%2Fvideos%2F1306763892701765%2F&show_text=0&width=400

I know people are going to give her a lot of flack about it.

kim-forgets-north-west-meme

But at least it got resolved quickly, with no toddlers getting left “Home Alone” and no incidents of “Wet Bandits” recieving tramautic torture and permanent bodily harm.

So a happy ending.  But for those nostalgic for the more action packed version of this story, check out this vid instead.

Soccer Goalkeeper Attempts Hockey Style Save, Gets Nut Shot Instead

Somehow I ended up being soccer goalkeeper, even though much of what I know about guarding the goal comes from playing NHL video games.

I play in a weekly soccer league.  Our team is called the HK Orbits.  Lately I’ve been playing goalkeeper, with mixed results.
We used to have an awesome goalkeeper in actor/stuntman Michael Chan.  But lately I’ve been taking the goalkeeper position in his absence.  The only issue is that I only have a vague idea of proper goalkeeping technique for soccer (or “futbol” as the rest of the world calls it).

hk-orbits-1

A relatively recent picture of the HK Orbits team

I know to make sure the ball doesn’t go into the goal, but my lack of physical acrobatics in front of the net leaves me lacking compared to Michael’s stuntman prowess.  That being said, I’ve seemed to hold up well enough that the guys are OK with me sticking in goal.

The other day, however, I made a slight, but painful mistake in front of the net.  We were playing against a tough team, lots of shots on goal, unrelenting attack.  We were short a couple of our better defenders.  So I had to step it up as the balls flew in with a vengeance.

A few good shots got past me and we were down in score.  I knew I would have to bring in some next level shit, especially since they had this one French guy that could run it in and hit corners with pinpoint precision if he got past our defense.

Sure enough, the French guy, the other team’s star player, got a breakaway and was heading right towards me.  I knew I had to shut down this shot on goal at any cost.  I got into my crouching, pouncing position.  As he came close, I made my move.  The French guy shot it full force from point blank range and leaped in front of him crotch first like f*cking John Vanbiesbrouck!

john-vanbiesbrouckJohn Vanbiesbrouck while he was on the NY Rangers

That’s right.  I dove for that ball like a hockey goalie.  But I very quickly realized something… this ain’t hockey.  And John Vanbiesbrouck wears a shit load of pads to make saves like John Vanbiesbrouck.

argentinas-gonzalo-higuain-fails-to-get-the-ball-past-irans-goalkeeper-alireza-haqiqiIran’s Alireza Haghighi going John Vanbiesbrouck on Argentinas Gonzalo Higuain

Me on the other hand, no crotch pads, no cup, just Adidas shorts and Calvin Klein boxer briefs protecting my nuts.

soccer-player-kicked-in-the-nutsI kind of looked like this guy afterward

Sure enough, I was in a world of hurt.  I needed some ice, but no ice to be found, so I had to settle for a semi cool bottle of Pocari Sweat that I had brought to the game. In either case, I was done for the game after that nut shot.

In the end, we lost the game, someone jacked my goalie gloves, and I limped out of there with my pride just as busted as my balls.

So, not necessarily a happy ending, but when I first told the story, my friend Seth sent over this video to lift my spirits.

I also found this nut shot compilation video as well.

Luckily, my nuts survived the incident and I’m back to walking without a limp, but the moral of the story seems to be that I need to A) get myself a cup and/or B) stop taking my soccer lessons from hockey players.

hk-orbits-2

In either case, make sure to keep your balls away from the flying ball my friends.

 

Hong Kong Candy Ad Unintentionally Gives Us All a Shakespearean style “Middle Finger”

Something tells me that “biting your thumb” has a different meaning in Hong Kong culture than the west.

Throughout the MTR system, you’ll see this advertisement for Arnott’s Tim Tam candy bars, both in Chocolate and Cappuccino flavor.  The ad is eye catching and pleasant enough to the eye, with lovely models and happy faces while trying out the Tim Tam bars.  I have to admit, it put me right in the mood for chocolate.

However, the one thing that stood out the most, for me, in the ad was the model at the bottom biting her thumb.  Naturally, I’d imagine she (and the director of the ad campaign) were trying to signal how finger licking good these chocolate bars might be.  But I think they might have missed that “biting one’s thumb” also has a much different connotation.

img_3293

Biting one’s thumb is considered an old British and Sicilian gesture to insult someone, much in the same way one would use the middle finger.  Essentially, it’s a gesture to say “fuck you” to someone.

bite-my-thumb-at-thee-romeo-and-julietJaime Kennedy in Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo + Juliet

On one online dictionary, I found this definition:

bite (one’s) thumb at
An archaic insult, often accompanied by the gesture of biting one’s thumb at the person being insulted. How dare you say that to me? I bite my thumb at you, sir!

http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/bite+my+thumb+at

Some might remember the use of “biting one’s thumb” in this scene from Superman III.

Screenshot 2017-01-03 12.59.50.pnghttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQuThW5c4DQ

Superman turns bad and straightens the leaning Tower of Pisa.  An Italian souvenir salesman, realizing his miniature leaning towers are no longer sellable, bites his thumb at Superman while yelling some Italian expletives.

Of course, the most famous instance of “biting one’s thumb” is in Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet.  Where Sampson, one of the Montegues bites his thumb to insult the Capulets.

shakespeare-i-bite-my-thumb-at-thee

Here is an excerpt from the thumb biting scene and do keep in mind that this gesture ends up causing a sword fight in the streets.

SAMPSON
Nay, as they dare. I will bite my thumb at them;
which is a disgrace to them, if they bear it.

Enter ABRAHAM and BALTHASAR

ABRAHAM
Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?

SAMPSON
I do bite my thumb, sir.

ABRAHAM
Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?

SAMPSON
[Aside to GREGORY] Is the law of our side, if I say
ay?

GREGORY
No.

SAMPSON
No, sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir, but I
bite my thumb, sir.

GREGORY
Do you quarrel, sir?

ABRAHAM
Quarrel sir! no, sir.

SAMPSON
If you do, sir, I am for you: I serve as good a man as you.

ABRAHAM
No better.

SAMPSON
Well, sir.

GREGORY
Say ‘better:’ here comes one of my master’s kinsmen.

SAMPSON
Yes, better, sir.

ABRAHAM
You lie.

SAMPSON
Draw, if you be men. Gregory, remember thy swashing blow.

They fight

So when advertising candy bars, be careful of what gestures you use.  Otherwise, you might just run a fowl of guys like this…

bite-your-thumb-at-me

 

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Stories I was going to tell the future grandkids.

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