Category Archives: Hkproblems

Cactus in a Tea Cup: A Love/Hate Story

It was a rainy day in Hong Kong as I tried to take my parents around town while they visited from out of town.  We dodged the rain by ducking into a ceramics shop in Sheung Wan.  The shop carried all kinds of ceramics: bowls, plates, tea sets, pots for plants, etc.   In a section towards the front, they even had these little plants for sale.  Little bits of greenery meant to cheer up a very small corner of a very cramped apartment.

As I was lurking in the corner, waiting for my parents to finish picking up little ceramic knickknacks for souvenirs,  I observed this western guy standing near a shelf of tea cups.  The guy was, one-by-one, picking up and examining every single tea cup there.  Each time, he held up a tea cup he would then drop a little cactus inside, examine it, realize it was an awkward fit and then move on.  From what I could tell, this guy was intent on searching for the perfect tea cup to be a pot for his little cactus.  Each time he came up a bit short in his endeavor.  I can only assume that he had no interest in any of the selection of actual pots for little plants that were stocked in a shelf nearby.


I felt for the guy.  He was on a mission to find a new home for his new spindly friend and he was not going to be deterred in his search.  He would try a blue cup with stereotypical Chinese porcelain design.  Nope, too wide.  Then he’d try a red cup with a more avant garde interpretation of stereotypical Chinese porcelain design.  Nope too deep. Then a green one, etc. etc. etc.  I watched this scene for five minutes and I gotta admit,  I was kind of routing for the guy to finally find a cheap $5-10HKD tea cup for his stupid, little $5HKD cactus. 

What I found most entertaining about this was not so much the western guy’s plight for the perfect tea cup-cactus combo.  It was the middle-aged Chinese lady standing right next to him.  It seemed she too was shopping for tea cups, but I imagine she had strictly more traditional uses in mind.  The entire time, while the westerner was dropping his cactus in each and every single tea cup, she was standing right next to him, unnoticed and giving him this dirty look.  It was the kind of dirty look that was the perfect combination of horrors and bewildered.   

I could tell in her face that she really really, really wanted to tell this guy that these were not flower pots.  There were a couple of moments I could tell she was building up the courage to say something, but she never seems to build up the nerve to blurt it out.   So, she’d go back to giving him the look.  If you’re wondering what that look looked like, it was something along the lines this picture of Teresa Mo.

Damn gwai lo better not get his thorns in my tea cups.

So with her unwilling to speak up and the guy unreletantly focused on his quest, I stood back and watched this comedy of errors for a few minutes, until finally, at long last, the western guy found a cup to his liking near the bottom of the shelf.  

The guy went off with his cactus in a tea cup.  The lady picked up her own tea cups.   And both went their separate ways, never to meet again. A brief and mundane chance encounter that probably ruined each other’s day a little bit.  

Still, I couldn’t help, but think that through it all, a tiny connection was formed between these two wayward souls.  One that will stay with them without even knowing.  In either case, I was amused.  It’s not every day that you get to watch an accidental, live action, theatre of the absurd performance art piece in a Hong Kong ceramic shop.  It was like a Samuel Beckett play… if that Samuel Beckett play was silent… and starring Teresa Mo.

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Eegad!  Monocles actually became a thing again?

While poking fun at an online buddy about trading in her glasses for a monocle, I found this New York Times article from a couple of years ago.


Apparently monocles became a thing again.

I’ll be honest, since a young age, I was always attracted to the idea of wearing a monocle. But it was more as a part of those fun filled and imaginative “pretend you’re a Baron or Duke” schoolyard games from childhood.  Ah the memories.

There was always something stopping me from trying to wear a monocle for real, in public.  Usually it was my parents, of course.

Now grown up, it seemed like a fashion trend best relegated to Bugs Bunny cartoons and 1960s TV shows about times way before the 1960s.

According to that New York Times article, however, it seems that the trend took hold, at least briefly, as part of hipster culture.  As of yet , I have not yet seen the trend hit Hong Kong.  But it has got me wondering if maybe it’s about time for me to go full monocle.

joe monocle

In the meantime, while I contemplate that look, let’s take a look back at some famous monocle wearers through time.

  1. Joseph Chamberlain, British politician and statesman
    Joseph_Chamberlain_in_colour
  2. The Penguin, “Gentleman of Crime”, supervillain and nemesis of Batman.

    The Penguin
    Played by Burgess Meredith
  3. Colonel Wilhelm Klink, Commandant of the POW camp from Hogan’s Heroes.

    Colonel Wilhelm Klink
    Played by Werner Klemperer
  4. Charlie McCarthy, part of famed Ventroliquist team Charlie and Bergen

    Bergenmccarthy
    Pictured here with Edgar Bergen
  5. Veronica Sawyer from the movie Heathers… ah, I bet you forgot about that one.  I must have scene that movie 200 times and I nearly forgot.

    Heathers Winonna Ryder
    Played by Winona Ryder

Did I miss any monocle wearers you remember?  Are you a monocle wearer?  Let me know in the comments section.

A “Quick” Kebab Before the Ferry

Was heading home from Tsim Sha Tsui.  It was 10pm and I was exhausted.  Just wanted to crash.  Figured if I caught the next ferry from TST to central, that would give me just enough time to catch a second ferry from Central to home.  

10:05, the ferry wasn’t at the pier yet, next one was at 10:10.  I had skipped dinner earlier and was starving.  Needed a quick bite and I saw a kebob shop near the ferry entrance.  It seemed like my best bet.  Then the following transpired.

AT THE KEBOB SHOP….

ME:  Hi, do you have anything really quick, I have 5 minutes before I have to catch this next ferry.

SHOP LADY: Yes sir, the chicken kebab wrap is quick.

ME: OK, are you sure?  I only have 5 minutes.
SHOP LADY: Yes sir, chicken wrap is very quick.

ME: Great!  I’ll take that one.
FOUR MINUTES AND TEN SECONDS LATER

ME: Is that kebob done yet?  The ferry is here and about to leave.

SHOP LADY: 11:30 sir.

ME: what?!

SHOP LADY: The ferry runs till 11:30, there’s plenty of time.  No rush.

ME: No!  I have to catch this ferry to take another ferry.  That’s why I said I only had 5 minutes.  I’m not waiting till 11:30 for a kebob!

The Cook behind her scrambles to wrap up the kebob.  He hands it to her.  The Shop Lady is taking her sweet time bagging it. The Cook urges her to hurry up.  She holds out the bag and starts saying…
SHOP LADY: Thank you sir, have…

I don’t let her finish, I grab the bag and am running immediately.  I hear her be like “Oh!”  Surprised that I’m in such a hurry. I’m running for the ferry gate, the whole time I’m yelling…

ME: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!  Fuuuuck!  Hold the ferry!  Hold the gate FUCK!!!
The gate closes, but has just enough give for me to open it, let myself through and run into the ferry gang plank.  I’m on the ferry and coasting along on time.  If I missed that ferry, I would have been waiting another hour for the next ferry at Central to home.

I know I didn’t fully explain to the Shop Lady all the details of my travel plans, but what part “I only have 5 minutes” did she not understand?  Even without all the details of my travel needs, why is it that she assumes I have all the time in world?  I ask her if it’s done like she promised and her response is “11:30.  The ferry runs till 11:30.”  Matter of factly.  

People like that are everything that is wrong with the world. If you agree, let me know in the comments.  If you don’t agree, let me know too and then feel free to wait and hour and a half for your next quick meal.

A Lady Was Nearly KNOCKED down a Long Flight of Steps by Someone Texting While Walking

At Tseun Wan MTR station, I nearly witness a tragedy unfold.

I have to admit, I do it myself, fairly often actually.  Walking while texting or Facebooking or even writing in this blog.  I try to be careful, looking up regularly to make sure I don’t walk into walls, poles, people, buses, etc.  Yesterday, however…


… I had my hands full.  With a bag in each hand, I wasn’t able to do the regular quick check of my phone that usually turns into a half an hour of reading people’s Facebook wall fights.

It was probably because of this that I had a full view of someone of else doing what I would probably be doing otherwise, walking along, typing away.  The young woman was heading for the escalator, as well as I.  What she didn’t see was another woman who had just come up an escalator and was heading for a collision course.


The second woman looked like she was trying to get her bearings.  Most likely she had not been to Tseung Wan station for a while, or ever, and was trying to figure out what direction to go for her exit.  It was because of this that the second woman didn’t notice the woman on her phone walking straight towards her.  Nor did she notice that she was standing right by the top of a very long staircase when the texting lady was approaching.

It happened in an instant.  As I stood there, silently bearing witness to it, time seemed to slow down slightly.  The young lady on her phone and the woman trying to find her bearings, collided right at the top of the stairs.  The lady lost her balance and tee-toddled on one foot, waving her arms, trying to get her balance, as the heel of her foot was tipping over the top of the stairs.

The young lady on her phone backed up, face slightly aghast, as she simultaneously reached out with one hand to say “sorry”, while securing her phone with the other hand.

img_3690
My mind immediately sent electrical signals to my imagination to imagine screaming “NOOO!!!” as the scene unfolded.  But it all happened too quick for my imagination to send the signals to my arms to drop my bags and reach out to save the woman.

By sheer luck and a bit of expert, amateur tightrope walker style re-balancing, the woman regained her footing and stayed at the top of the stairway.  A brief moment of realization of what happened transpired before she gave a very dirty look to the young lady, who went back to her phone texting and heading to the escalator as if nothing had happened.

Seeing that tragedy was overted, I went back to my business.  But I couldn’t help think that this is something that must be happening all too often.  I tried looking up how many injuries or fatalities come about from texting while walking.  Best I could find was an article in USA Today that blamed a large surge in pedestrian deaths last year on cell phone use.

In either case, stay sharp and watch your steps my friends, whether texting or not.

Kung Hei Fat Choi! Now Follow These Rules! 

It’s Chinese New Year New Year and the MTR is showcasing some new “don’ts” for the holiday season.

Passing through the MTR recently, you might have noticed signs like this around each station.

When I saw, I immediately thought to myself “special rules for Chinese New Year.”  Let’s take a closer look at what we see here.

For starters, I think most Hong Kong people are familiar with this one…

No Metallic Balloons.img_3574

I kind of figured this was some kind of super precautionary measure, just in case one of these wanders on to the track and gets sucked into some machinery.  But, apparently, the threat is real though.  Back in 1996, a “rogue Minnie Mouse Balloon” made it’s way onto a track and short circuited all the lines from Admirality to Quarry Bay.  So, I can understand this one.

But then you have this one…

No Orange Trees.
img_3574

Even the briefest encounter with Chinese New Year in Hong Kong, will make you wonder, “what’s with all the orange trees?”  They are a fairly integral part of traditional Chinese celebrations for the New Year.  This comes from the similiarity of the Chinese word for “tangerine” to the word “luck”.  Also, the Chinese word for “orange” is similiar to the word for “wealth”.  Therefore a gift of orange or tangerine tree is like wishing someone “an abundance of happiness and prosperity”.

So why the ban on orange and tangerine trees on the MTR?  I took a look through the MTR website and couldn’t find much on this, so I’m going to assume that it’s because the MTR management is worried that oranges will fall off the trees and then some tai tai will step on them and start screaming “Aiya!  My Christian Louboutin’s are ruined!”

Next we see this one…

No Candles and… Insense Sticks, I think?img_3574

It goes without saying that the last thing you’d want on a crowded rush hour MTR is someone lighting up candles or incense… I think those 3 sticks in the middle are incense. They could just as easily be Roman candles or tiki torches from the look of it.  One would think this would fall under general, year round common sense, “don’t light fires on a train”.  Given that there’s an actual sign being put up for it, it’s hard not to imagine that some buffoon must have tried this at some point or another.  Hence, the need to warn others.

Last, but not least we have…

No Roasted Pig
img_3574

What Chinese New Year celebration in Hong Kong is complete without a Cantonese style roasted pig.  This is, by far, one of my favorite traditional dishes in Hong Kong.  If someone has a roasted pig served up, you can be sure that I’m geting seconds, and thirds, maybe fourths.  But what gives about not letting these on the MTR?

Of course we all know that eating and drinking is not allowed on the MTR, but carrying food frm place to place is usually not an issue.  While I could imagine someone getting impatient and ripping into one of these roast pigs right ont he MTR, I doubt that would be very feasible.

I guess one can imagine it must be because these are already kind of awkward to carry. You have to carry them flat, can’t just plop this on a seat.  Plus, if it’s not a suckling pig you’re carrying, that mofo is going to be one big slab of meat.  I’d imagine it would only be a matter of time before the guy holding this, loses control and drops it all over some tai tai’s brand new Chanel outfit.

In either case, we wish you safe travels on your holiday, whether you’re heading on the MTR to visit family and friends or taking a different mode of transport.

Happy year of the Rooster to all!  Gong Hei Fat Choi!

rooster

Man Reaches In Between Woman’s Legs for Power Cord, Interrupts Coffee Date

That awkward moment at a coffee shop when someone is sitting right over the power plug and you need to reach under theirs legs to plug in or pull out your cord.

hk_starbucks_coffee_in_caine_road

I was at Starbucks doing a bit of writing and internet cruising on my computer, while enjoying my overpriced cappuccino.  I had my laptop connected to a nearby plug at ground level and had been comfortably hogging it for more than an hour as I, ever so slowly, sipped my tall size coffee.


At long last, I ready to pack up and leave when I realized that, blocking the electrical outlet that held my plug, were now a pair of women’s legs.

I needed to ask her if I could sneak in underneath her legs to get my cord.  Only problem was that the lady was right in the middle of a hot coffee date.  And the guy who she sitting with had her full attention, enthusiastically chatting her up a storm.

I couldn’t understand more than a word or two of what he was saying, as he was talking fast and furious in Cantonese.   I could only assume it was an amazing story though, just by the sheer excitement in how he was telling it, with body language to match.  

Whatever story he was telling, I got the feeling he was determined to impress this lady and believe me, he was succeeding.  She was completely enraptured by this story, whatever it might have been.  

Meanwhile, I was sitting there, waiting for a stopping point of some kind to intercede, but there seemed to be no stopping this guy’s flow.  He was firing off words like James Joyce on amphetamines.  For those unfamiliar with the works of James Joyce, check out this clip from the classic film Back To School from 0:42 onward for a taste of what I mean.

back-to-school-yes-yes

Being that it would be kind of awkward to interrupt this couple during their moment, I decided to stall my plunge downward to retrieve my cord.  I started slowly, but steadily packing up all my things.  As I did, I was hoping that, by the time I had finished wrapping up my odds and ends and shoved them into my backpack, I would finally get my chance at making a congenial interruption, with as little awkwardness as possible.  Unfortunately, I had no such luck…

I sat there with powercord half wrapped in my hands, looking over at them with this “hey, I don’t mean to interrupt” look on my face, patiently waiting for them to notice my eyes burning into their faces, but nope.  They were in another world.  A happier world.  A world without being trapped from taking their powercord from underneath a pair of legs while the nonstop blossoming of true love was taking place above the table.

Eventually, my patience wore thin and I had to take action.

date-interrupted

I tapped on the girl’s shoulder, while the dude was mid-sentence.  Surprise registered on them both instantly as she turned to find this random westerner stealing away this girl’s attention.  Immediately, I was like “hi, excuse me, sorry, but I need to, down there, my cord, the plug, really sorry about that, thanks!”

Realizing what I was asking, the lady moved her legs just enough in order for me squeeze down underneath her.  And so I contorted my body downward to try to take this cord from under her legs as unsuspiciously as possible.

When I rose up, trimphantly, cord in hand, I saw the face of the guy.  His facial expression was brief, but definitive.  No doubt in my mind, this guy was saying to himself “hey, I was the one that was supposed to get in between her legs.”

why-you-cbing-bruh

So I just give him this look back like “geez guy, what you want from me?”  I mean, let’s be real.  I gotta do, what I gotta do.

I didn’t say another word.  I finished packing up and rushed out like a thief in the night, leaving them to awkwardly continue their date.  I could tell that I must have spoiled “the mood”, but I do hope he managed to get back on his game.  I mean you had to give him credit.  He must have had one hell of a story that he was telling.

Still, let this be a lesson to all coffee daters out there.  If you want to make the best impression, before you start telling her the story of the century, or reciting heart melting poetry, be sure to take a second to make sure your girl isn’t sitting on some other guy’s cord first.

Two Old Ladies Arguing in Front of the Men’s Room Nearly Made Me Piss Myself 

Define “Awkward”: two female cleaning ladies having a spirited argument in Cantonese right in front of the men’s bathroom door, completely ignoring my pleas to get past.

Now you might say to yourself, “what’s the big deal?  Just ask them to move out of the way.”

Believe me my friend, I tried, but these ladies were having it out and were not having any of my interruptions.

For those unfamiliar with the sheer power of old Chinese ladies in full out argument mode, check this article from the SCMP out.  

I know that was in Mainland China, not Hong Kong, but those ladies argued for 8 hours straight until they passed out on the street.

The two aunties in front of me didn’t seem to have the same reckless abandon, but in a place where “face” means everything, no one goes down without a spirited verbal fight.

So just to give a little background to my own situation, it was right before the holidays.  I was doing some last minute running around. Extra long lines had me holding it in for a while.  Once checked out and bagged, I ran upstairs to the luxury section of stores.  The bathrooms there tend to be clearer and less lines, but of course more hidden from plain sight.

After finally a bit of maze deciphering, I finally discover the entrance to the bathrooms, only to be confronted by this obstacle; two old Chinese cleaning ladies in a full on argument.  

Using my observational skills and very rough Cantonese, I could only surmise that they must have been arguing about wash clothes, of all topics.  Now they could have been arguing about a man, about politics, or post-brexit economic strategies for all I knew, but they were waving around wash clothes like you wouldn’t believe.

And there I was, arms full of packages and desperate to go through to relieve myself.  I tried saying “excuse me”.  I even tried an “Mm goi!”  I was ready to try in Italian, Spanish, and even throw in a “sacre bleu!” if I thought it would help, but these two ladies didn’t seem ready to hear me in any language.

Plow through them?  Yeah I could have tried that, but two things to keep in mind. 

1. I was using much of my reserve energy to “hold it in” if you know what I mean.  Afterall, I’m too old to get away with the pee pee dance.  So I had to keep my cool and that takes some effort to look like you’re not making effort.
2. If there’s one thing you never want to do, it’s arbitrarily step in the middle of any fight, regardless if it’s about a man or owed money or wash clothes, as this one seemed.  

I later came across this article about strategies and tactics to use when trying to break up a fight.

http://www.wikihow.com/Break-Up-a-Fight-Between-Two-People

Regardless, I had to deal with this situation as best as I could muster.  The next washroom was a long pee pee dance away.

So I calculated how much reserve energy to redirect without wetting myself, fired the vocal thrusters and let out a last chance “Mm Goi Siu je”.

The two ladies heard this time.  They turned to me and looked at me with a combination of “stupid Gwalio” and who are you calling “young lady?”

They parted out of the way and I rushed through into the bathroom, just in the nick of time. So crisis averted and I was soon back on my way to getting ready for the holidays.

I hope all your holidays were as least awkward as possible.  Happy new year everyone!