Category Archives: Fails

Covfefe Was Once the Remedy of Choice Until it Ended Another President’s Career

Donald Trump wasn’t the first Republican President who had a bad reaction to Covfefe while in office.  Please use as directed.

Warning: Side effects of too much Covfefe include inability to walk down stairs and failure to secure a second term in office.  Ask your doctor if Covfefe is right for you.

Warning- Too much Covfefe

 

 

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Woman Goes to Car, Realizes She Forgot Something, Goes Back in House to Get… Her Daughter

OK, this was kind of funny.  Kim Kardashian West, walks out of her apartment to a crowd of gathered phototaking reporters, smoothly makes her way to the car, takes off her jacket, looks around and realizes she forgot something in the house.  She then takes her jacket and goes back inside.

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What did she forget?  Her keys?  her wallet?  Her phone?  Her daily medication?  Nope.  She comes back out holding her daughter North West in her arms and carries on like before as if nothing happens.  Here’s the video.

 https://www.facebook.com/plugins/video.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fsuperficialrevival%2Fvideos%2F1306763892701765%2F&show_text=0&width=400

I know people are going to give her a lot of flack about it.

kim-forgets-north-west-meme

But at least it got resolved quickly, with no toddlers getting left “Home Alone” and no incidents of “Wet Bandits” recieving tramautic torture and permanent bodily harm.

So a happy ending.  But for those nostalgic for the more action packed version of this story, check out this vid instead.

Soccer Goalkeeper Attempts Hockey Style Save, Gets Nut Shot Instead

Somehow I ended up being soccer goalkeeper, even though much of what I know about guarding the goal comes from playing NHL video games.

I play in a weekly soccer league.  Our team is called the HK Orbits.  Lately I’ve been playing goalkeeper, with mixed results.
We used to have an awesome goalkeeper in actor/stuntman Michael Chan.  But lately I’ve been taking the goalkeeper position in his absence.  The only issue is that I only have a vague idea of proper goalkeeping technique for soccer (or “futbol” as the rest of the world calls it).

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A relatively recent picture of the HK Orbits team

I know to make sure the ball doesn’t go into the goal, but my lack of physical acrobatics in front of the net leaves me lacking compared to Michael’s stuntman prowess.  That being said, I’ve seemed to hold up well enough that the guys are OK with me sticking in goal.

The other day, however, I made a slight, but painful mistake in front of the net.  We were playing against a tough team, lots of shots on goal, unrelenting attack.  We were short a couple of our better defenders.  So I had to step it up as the balls flew in with a vengeance.

A few good shots got past me and we were down in score.  I knew I would have to bring in some next level shit, especially since they had this one French guy that could run it in and hit corners with pinpoint precision if he got past our defense.

Sure enough, the French guy, the other team’s star player, got a breakaway and was heading right towards me.  I knew I had to shut down this shot on goal at any cost.  I got into my crouching, pouncing position.  As he came close, I made my move.  The French guy shot it full force from point blank range and leaped in front of him crotch first like f*cking John Vanbiesbrouck!

john-vanbiesbrouckJohn Vanbiesbrouck while he was on the NY Rangers

That’s right.  I dove for that ball like a hockey goalie.  But I very quickly realized something… this ain’t hockey.  And John Vanbiesbrouck wears a shit load of pads to make saves like John Vanbiesbrouck.

argentinas-gonzalo-higuain-fails-to-get-the-ball-past-irans-goalkeeper-alireza-haqiqiIran’s Alireza Haghighi going John Vanbiesbrouck on Argentinas Gonzalo Higuain

Me on the other hand, no crotch pads, no cup, just Adidas shorts and Calvin Klein boxer briefs protecting my nuts.

soccer-player-kicked-in-the-nutsI kind of looked like this guy afterward

Sure enough, I was in a world of hurt.  I needed some ice, but no ice to be found, so I had to settle for a semi cool bottle of Pocari Sweat that I had brought to the game. In either case, I was done for the game after that nut shot.

In the end, we lost the game, someone jacked my goalie gloves, and I limped out of there with my pride just as busted as my balls.

So, not necessarily a happy ending, but when I first told the story, my friend Seth sent over this video to lift my spirits.

I also found this nut shot compilation video as well.

Luckily, my nuts survived the incident and I’m back to walking without a limp, but the moral of the story seems to be that I need to A) get myself a cup and/or B) stop taking my soccer lessons from hockey players.

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In either case, make sure to keep your balls away from the flying ball my friends.